Turning A New Leaf

It's officially the end of summer and the first day off autumn. I can't believe that summer went by so fast. I felt like most of my time was spent working in my cold office building, in class, or trying to finish up homework for my UCLA extension classes. I did get to hit the beach several times this summer, but not enough for me to soak in all the summer sun. I saw a couple of trees in my office parking lot changing colors. Shades of orange, red, and yellow tell me that time waits for nobody.

When I think about the changing seasons, I can't help but think about the changing seasons of my soul. My external circumstances are pretty much the same. Today marks the second year at my company. My original plan was to work at my company for six months, and then go back to teaching. Some how six months turned into two years. It's weird to think about where I was two years ago and where I am today. Like I said before, the circumstantials have not changed much, but I definitely know that my soul has gone through a lot of trials, refinement, and change.

I see myself in a different and healthier light, and I'm still in the process of harvesting my true self. I don't know the grand purpose of my life and I'm still trying to figure out what I want be when I grow up, but I think, for now, that's okay. They say, "you reap what you sow", and I do hope that my harvest this season is plentiful. Happy Autumn!

This Is My Life

Right now, I'm not sure if you could consider my life exciting or not. It's not completely devoid of joy and fun, but I can't say that it's absolutely fabulous, either. I work the standard 40 hours, and no more, thank God. I come into work at 9:00 am and leave around 5:30. I'll go home and either watch TV, eat, cook, nap, talk to a friend on the phone or meet up with a friend for dinner or coffee. Sometimes, I'll go body-boarding with a friend, and then get dinner at a Korean restaurant or Vietnamese restaurant. After freezing my bootay in the ocean nothing beats a bowl of warm soup. Every Thursday night I meet up with my therapist, so that I can sort out my internal junk, and that sums up my week days.

On the weekends, I wake up late, because I can and then I eat breakfast at Toast or some other "HOT" restaurant in Los Angeles with friends. Afterwards, I'll hit the mall or some hip LA stores to eye-shop or shop. On occasion, I visit my family in Fullerton or meet up with an old friend that I haven't seen in a while. Depending on how spiritual I feel, I'll hit the church circuit and have lunch with my church friends. After all this, I'll come home and clean my apartment and do my laundry.

This is my life in a nutshell. It's not too crazy nor too boring, but, I think, for now, it's just right. After years of instability and unpredictability, my life now can feel dull and borderline stale. At times, I get restless, and I'll slowly start to devalue what I have. Just like the next person, discontentment and boredom can run rapid in my heart and mind. It's truly a discipline and a skill to take a step back, appreciate, and enjoy all the good that fills my little nutshell. I'm not quite there yet, but I hope to be soon, because this is my life.

I Can't Make You Like Me, If You Don't

Have you ever liked someone that didn't like you back? Okay, I can hear the resounding, "Yes" out there. Well, surprisingly, even as I near the big 3-0, the feelings of someone NOT liking you back stings just as much as it did when I was 13. Not too long ago, I had the tough experience of hearing the punching words..."I'm not interested in you." When those words slowly make it to your ears, it knocks you out cold. It's a blow to the ego and a blow to the heart. The sounds of "why can't you like me? and "what's wrong with me?" starts echoing in my head. As the stars that circle around my head start to fade, I'm puzzled as to why I put myself out there, especially when I know that I'm way in over my head.

So after the one-two punch, I just want to shrug my shoulders and say, "whatevers, man!", but, I know, even my cavalier attitude cannot stop me from feeling disappointed and bummed about myself. There's apart of me that thinks a well choreographed song and dance might change that person's mind. I secretly think maybe he'll see all my awesome skillz and then he'll like me. It might work, right?

Even in my wishful thinking, I know that becoming the next winner of American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance, cannot make someone like me. It's the sobering truth and the bad and bummed feelings do not go away as easily as I would like them to. Despite my disappointment, I do see a silver lining to this little gray cloud. I'm slowly learning that even when a dude doesn't like me, it's not a reflection of who I am or my value as a woman. I'm on a seriously slow learning curve, but, I think, I'm finally getting it.

New York State of Mind

I haven't been to New York in a couple of years. The last time I went was in October of 2002 for a friend's wedding. I had just stopped working as a Middle School teacher in East Los Angeles, and was looking for another job when I found super cheap tickets to New York City. I remember, it was a very tough season in my life. I was unemployed, poor, and really discouraged, but being in New York City gave me a nice pause from that reality.

I love the architecture, museums, parks, shopping, and, of course, the people of New York. It's an urban fantasy island of its own kind with all its strange people and strange accents. For me, New York City takes away the preoccupation and myopia of my life in Los Angeles, and it gives me the mental and emotional clarity that I sometimes need. I'm not sure if it's the changing of the seasons, my artsy fartsy side, hormones, or Billy Joel's song that's causing this surge of wanderlust, but I think I'll be booking a flight, so I can be in that in New York State of mind.

Just Be Yourself

In the voice of Napoleon Dynamite, "Gosssssssh!" These three words are sooooo annoying to me. I can't speak for everyone in the whole wide world, but I can speak for myself and those who struggle with our catch phrase of the day, "just be yourself". Usually, it's not that hard to be myself, but sometimes it can be a huge challenge, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't know if men have it easier, but, for gals like me, this being yourself crap isn't easy.

It's especially hard, because you don't wanna go through the rejection of someone NOT liking when you are being yourself. Dude, just thinking about it hurts, ouch! So in fear of rejection and all that it represents I do this thing where I put on that super power mask of "Whatever Girl". I put on that mask and then I just start thinking and saying that super power word, "whatever!". The mask gives me the feelings that I'm strong, untouchable, concealed, detached, and safe from the perils of men.

I know that these feelings are temporary and fabricated, but they give me that fleeting moment of strength when my ego and sense of self is knocked down cold. I do hope to give up the masked life, but I really don't believe that the equation of ME-THE MASK = GOOD ENOUGH. One day soon, I want to be brave and bold enough to retire my mask and "just be myself " in front of the world and in front of that one guy that will like me without my mask.

Crush

So I haven't had a crush in a while. A couple of months ago I thought someone at my work was kinda cute, but then he talked too much and too loud. Anyways, my new crush is Brandon Boyd of Incubus. I didn't even know he existed until the ubiquitous GAP ads. I'm basing my crush on a 2 minute ad where I only get 10 seconds of Brandon stoically sharing his favorite song Elvis Costello's Alison, which happens to be mine. We already have so much in common!!! We were meant to be. (Take a moment to roll your eyes)

Okay, peoples, help me figure out what it is about that stoic veneer of Brandon that's so attractive? It's weird that I love it when guys appear to look stoic, cool, and chill. Actually, it's kinda HOT! Perhaps it's the mystery of the unknown behind the stoicism that's so alluring? That is a possibility, since I have major issues with intimacy. This makes sense, since the antithesis of intimacy is distance, stoicism, anonymity etc.... Since closeness feels so threatening to me distance and the unknown becomes very seductive. The funny thing is once the unknown becomes known, then the allure fades.

Actually, to be honest, it's not that the unknown becoming known that's scary, but that I will be known scares me more than anything. Hm! So I suppose I should break the news to Brandon that I cannot promise him that whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.

Music is My Life, Sorta

Top 5 most played songs on my iTunes.

Hide and Seek
by Imogen Heap

*Imogen Heap of Frou Frou has a great voice. This song in particular is eerie, but beautiful. Keeps me in that melancholic mood, but doesn't push off the bridge. It almost sounds like an android singing, since she her voice is distorted. Anyways, perhaps that's what is life is about....hiding and then seeking. I'm not sure if I'm hiding or seeking. I guess, I'll find out.

Mirrorball (DJ Jazzy Jeff Full Sole Remix/2004)
By Everything But the Girl

*How can you not like Tracey Thorn of Everything But the Girl. Her voice is like butta and chicken soup to the soul. This song is comforting and so chill plus they can mix a song like no one's business. They just released a 10 Years of Remixes called Adapt or Die. So true....

Don't Lie
By Black Eyed Peas

*Because even the best of us L-I-E. Never thought I was the lying type, but I've been realizing that there many ways to lie. I do it in the more subtle ways, of masking my emotions or feelings. It's when I hide behind the facade of cool and collected. Sometimes I am cool and collected for reals, but sometimes I'm not and then I just lie. Shake your booty and listen to Fergie singing..."No, no, no, baby, no, no, no, don't lie....no, no, no, you gotta try."

These Words (I Love You, I Love You)
By Natasha Bedingfield

*Makes me wanna move side to side plus the lyrics are straight forward, honest, and emotionally real. I hope to be that way someday. This song definitely appeals to my romantic side where I just wanna say, "I love you, I love you" to someone. Okay, I probably won't be saying this to a stranger, but one day it'll happen when I find that guy. Until then I'll have to practice singing this song in my shower. La, la, la, la.

Song for the Lonely
By Cher

* Normally I would NEVER listen to Cher, but blame this temporary insanity on the Weight Watchers commercial. Can we say, "SUCKA!". Every time I watch this commercial it makes me wanna lose weight, but not join Weight Watchers. I'm too cheap for that. Perhaps, in part, I am a chubby little girl or a gay man that doesn't want to feel lonely, either.

Whatever and Ever, Aaaaamen!

Yesterday I went body boarding with a friend. I love the ocean and all its vastness. Didn't catch any good waves at all, but got whacked 4 times by the waves. I still have sand in my ears. I have to say I love getting tossed by the waves, because it's kinda scary and exciting at the same time. It's the threat of almost drowning that gets me.

Anyways, as I was floating on my board I was telling my friend how my life sucks. I basically had a little aquatic pity party. I was complaining how things do not come easy for me, and that I have to work hard for stuff. Okay....I know, I'm whining big time....whaaaaa! Sometimes...it just doesn't seem fair, ya' know. I know, I'm blessed with good friends and my siblings are pretty cool, but other than that it's hard not to be disenchanted with my life.

I can hear that one person saying to me, "But Sonya, you have a job, shelter, food, health, friends, money in the bank." Yah, I know what I have, but is this the formula to a good and content life? It seems indulgent for me to feel this way, especially in light of what has happened in the Gulf Coast, but I'm not sure how to get out of this Post-Modern daze. My body boarding friend advised that I pray to God, but that's the last thing I want to do. I'm totally turned off by the Holy One, and I'm not sure why. The only prayer I can offer today are these words of discontentment and disillusionment. I hope that this will be good enough to pass through to Him.

No One's Bi-otch!

So I have this fear of being someone's bi-otch or being a sucka, door mat, push over, etc... You get the picture, right? Some say that I need not worry about this possibility, but I beg to differ. Sometimes I get real angry when I feel the like I am becoming someone's bi-otch. It's when I go out of my way to do things for people and care for people that I shouldn't. So because of this fear I have this uber aggressive way about me that some masochist may like, but most would probably defer. Actually, I would like to defer this part about myself, but then the question is, "HOW?" I have to say that it aint that easy to just drop it like it's hot and be chill with everything.

I guess, I can go to the root of the problem, which stems from my child labor days. Since I was young I remember working hard for my parent's love, especially my dad's. I worked really hard, yet I couldn't quite meet the standard. Usually, I'll take that extra step, so that I can get that love/approval/acceptance that I've been wanting, but it never happened and it still hasn't happened. Regretfully, I even did some overtime, but it was mostly in vain. So now that I'm a grown up, I start to go bonkers when I feel like that little kid, especially when it comes to men. I hope that I can somehow NOT see the world this way, but I have a feeling that it'll take sometime. In the meantime, I really want to use my powers for good and not for evil.

Ups and Downs

I had a pretty intense 72 hours. It was like the FOX TV show 24, but mine can be called 72. Okay, I didn't have to stop an assassination or find a deadly virus, but I was on a major rollercoaster ride in my head. I think, it's part physiological, and part psychological. The physiological one shouldn't be too hard to figure out, but the psychological dimension is from a bad interaction with daddy dearest a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, think a well meaning Joan Crawford in pants with a Korean accent.

Today I feel okay, and I hope that the rest of the week will be chill. Although I had a funky thought today about moving to Korea, but I don't know if that's a result of my mood or just where I am at in my life. Don't know if I really fit in the land of red, white and blue, and I'm not sure if I'll fit in the motherland, but I feel like I need to find out for myself, ya know. I definitely do feel like I still can move away, since I'm not married nor have any kids. Who knows, perhaps I'll find "tha one" in Korea. Maybe that's the reason why it hasn't worked out with anyone here. Ma man is a F.O.B. So this is my tentative plan....if I get laid off, then I'm gonna buy that ticket to Korea, where they have real cheap Korean food, and fobby men galore. Oh yesssss!

Dream Catcher

Less than a week ago I had this obscure dream about this boy I used to totally like in college. I guess, you can say that he was my first puppy love. I'm not sure why the subconscious throws out these curve balls by tapping into "that" place of deep emotion, longing, and desire. I seriously want to snap my fingers, shake my head and say, "No, you didn't!", but what's the point.

My dream was not even at the caliber of a B-rated film, but a silent picture clip of my covert desires that I don't think about. Juicy stuff, huh? After dreaming about puppy love boy I was thinking to myself, "what's going on?". I won't bore you with the uneventful details of my dream, but I will tell you what I felt during my dream and after my dream. It was the combo of fear and longing.

For me, fear and longing tend to couple quite often. I fear the things I long for and sometimes I choose not to long, because of the fear. Yikes, sounds like I need some help. Some may ask why I fear, and the answer is I fear, because bad things have happened when I long for someone. Dude, I guess, I am the sum of my experience. Hmmm...

So I dream not about a person per se, but of a hidden desire that decided to leak out of my subconscious and into my dreams. Maybe this is a sign that it's high time I leave the fear behind or maybe it's a sign that says I don't have to fear anymore. Not sure what it means, but I hope that I can find someone who knows how to catch my dream, before it goes away again.

The Attack of the Blahs

A thin, sticky, translucent layer of blah has slowly taken over my spirit lately. It kind of makes me cranky and borderline apathetic, but I don't think I'm a lost cause, yet. Some attacks come out of nowhere and the flight or fight mechanism kicks in, and sometimes the attack is slow and expectant. Either way this blah feeling is starting to get annoying and I'm wondering what I need to do or what I did wrong to warrant this bout of the blahs.

Will a trip to the mall combat the blahs or will finding someone new and cute make me shine today? All good and possible solutions, but I have a feeling that it'll only temporarily mitigate what I carry inside. Shall I ask God what's going on inside, but then I'm kind of NOT talking to him. Maybe if I hold tight, then I can ride it out.

Hm, just not sure what to do, but I know that sometimes things unseen, but heard can come inside and let out its venom, and so the attack of blah begins. Beware and be careful not to follow my example.

29 1/2

I remember a time when I would tack on that extra 1/2 onto my age. I did it when I was 12, 15, 17, 20 and 25. All significant numbers in the world of age. Many years ago I couldn't wait to be older, but now I just wish that I can stay forever twenty-one, sorta.

I'm also in a funk and a half. I'm not sure if it's the age factor, b/c I'm turning 3-0 in about a month or if it's just that season in my life. I wanna pat myself on the back and say "Shake it off, girl! You aint getting old", but the truth is that I am. To my surprise, I am not immune to the maladies of time, and I suppose the surprise that accompanies me today is some of the signs of youth that will soon leave me as time tick-tocks away.

Does youth = hope, dreams, passion, excitement, etc...? Maybe in my mind it did and now I feel all that has kind of faded in the background as I not only age on the outside, but on the inside, too. :( I've watched enough TV to see the magic of plastic surgery and miracle creams that defy the signs of time, but does anyone have the miracle cream that would DEFY the aging that is taking place inside? Let me know, so I can buy a bottle.