Home Sweet Home?

Decided to change my blog site. Click below for updates. This will be my last post on blogger :( , but you can find me on Xanga. :)

http://www.xanga.com/uschei

New home for my blog

I decided to move my blog to Xanga. Click below for updates.

http://www.xanga.com/uschei

America's Most Wanted

My vacation high is wearing off now and I'm coming down with the post vacation blues. It's the banal reality of my life slowly coming to the forefront. Hmmmmm..... So, for one short week, my issues, insecurities, fears, etc... were suspended in Los Angeles and I could be myself in the Big Apple without all these totally uncool factors hanging over my head. If you throw in some monthly hormones with my post vacation blues, then you got a concoction for a super long day.

Today my mood is a bit "blah" and mellow. I want a jolt of excitement, but constant excitement can also be a curse, I guess. I'm trying to ride out these feelings, but I can't help myself from thinking about the idea of being "wanted". In other words, desired, pursued, prized, etc.... Usually, I carry around the idea that desirability is measured on one's skillz, looks, and so on. In short, things that I fail to measure up to. My internal judge is pretty harsh, and there is no winner to be found. Sometimes this judge goes on vacation, but when she comes back from her trip around the world it's back to work.

Today in particular I'm keen on this thought on being wanted, because I had a brief encounter where I felt like I was of someone's importance and time. It's a nice feeling to experience, especially when it's from the opposite sex. No, correction, it inexplicably feels good when it's by the opposite sex. Maybe I'm getting lonely or something. Don't know what it is, but perhaps this is all natural....ya know.....wanting to be loved and to love. Do you know anyone you can introduce me to? ;)

I Heart the People of New York

I just got back from NYC. I had the best time in the Big Apple. It was one of my favorite vacation spots this year. I've been to New York numerous times, but this trip was different and special for a couple of reasons. One, I'm at a better place in my life where I can allow myself to truly enjoy people, places and things. Two, New York City is an amazing city dripping with culture. Last but not least is the people of New York...more specifically the friends I have in New York.

All the glitz and glam of Time Square, the history of the Statue of Liberty, the yummy eateries, or the culture and beauty of the Metropolitan Museum alone did not make my trip memorable. The true fullness and splendor of my trip came from the friends I spent time with. The older and dare I say more "mature" I get, the more I realize the importance and rarity of good friends. On a densely populated island where millions can encounter the shady and crooked so easily, good people and friends are a true blessing and gift.

The laughter, goofiness, coffee tawks, etc.... that I shared with my friends only reverberated all the goodness that surrounds my life. Usually, I devalue and diminish this gift, because I choose to look at life or the glass half empty. For some reason, I'm finally seeing how my life and glass is half full and becoming fuller because of my True Friend above. Hm, I didn't think I could ever mature, but I guess even the most reluctant Peter Pan wannabe can grow up and see that adulthood is actually pretty sweet.

You Don't Know My Name

Alicia Keys has this cheesy yet good song called, "You Don't Know My Name". I feel like singing it to today, because I just realized that this guy that I was crushing on doesn't know me. He may know my name, but if I were to do a spin off of Alicia's song I would call it, "You Don't Know Me". This fresh realization begs the question, "How could have I crushed on someone that doesn't even know me?" How can I give my affections out so easily to someone that said point blank to my face, "I'm not interested in you.". How could I continue to hope and wait when he doesn't even know me and I don't know him?

These are all tough questions. I'll have to do some soul searching to find some answers. Perhaps, it's easy for me to forgot my own name, and not ask what his name is? Anonymity, mystery, and enigma have the lure for all types of trouble. I guess, I just got sucked into the world of fantasy and safety. I feel disappointed in myself for allowing myself to go there..... you know there-where you suspend your mind, ration, intelligence, opinions, so that one person can like you. Yes, folks, I'm not immune to the woes of compromising myself. I don't do it too often, I hope, but it does happen.

I'm on a slow learning curve, but, at least, I'm learning. I hope that I don't go back to that fantasy trap, because the consequence is losing apart of myself that I've worked so painstakingly hard to develop and grow. I hope, I come to a place where I won't forget my name and all that it stands for.

Crazy Has a Name

So I'm a bit revved up today, no doubt. I went out with some friends plus that one guy that I like. Everything was going okay, until I started to go into looney land with my looney thoughts. It's those thoughts that say, "he doesn't like me, he's ignoring and avoiding me, I'm not cute or pretty enough for him, etc.." I start thinking this way and then I start to do my usual shut down. It goes like this...First, I feel sad, rejected, bummed. Second, I become hypersensitive. Third, I shut down emotionally and become quiet and lastly I withdraw physically and emotionally concluding my shut down experience. It' really fast and subtle when it happens. This can happen in about a minute. Not bad, huh? For those who are not accustomed to my ways may think I'm just tired, but au contraire mon frère.

So after my shut down experience I came home and felt like a 13 year old girl. I cried for about a minute with real tears coming out my eyes saying....."Why don't you like me" Then I pouted for a bit and went to bed. Gosh, if there's a sequel to the movie 13 going on 30, can I play Jennifer Garner's character. I would do such a great job. I was hoping that the bad feelings would go away, but they haven't. Actually these feelings overnight mutated into the infamous "Hater virus". Fortunately, it's not contagious, but I do recommend that you do keep your distance, since the symptoms can be unpleasant. Instead of the sniffles and cough I have the whatevers and major attitude.

I just wanna be mean to someone preferable a guy, so that I can feel better about myself, but I suppose even that would be not be a good or nice choice. Damn! Thoughts like hitting the local bar or calling that guy that's interested in me sounds so tempting and the best hit for this pain, but I stop at just sharing these thoughts, because I don't want another to feel as I do. :(

Sigh! Today I just wanna end with this concluding statement. "Guys Suck!" Hope you are having a good day!

Turning A New Leaf

It's officially the end of summer and the first day off autumn. I can't believe that summer went by so fast. I felt like most of my time was spent working in my cold office building, in class, or trying to finish up homework for my UCLA extension classes. I did get to hit the beach several times this summer, but not enough for me to soak in all the summer sun. I saw a couple of trees in my office parking lot changing colors. Shades of orange, red, and yellow tell me that time waits for nobody.

When I think about the changing seasons, I can't help but think about the changing seasons of my soul. My external circumstances are pretty much the same. Today marks the second year at my company. My original plan was to work at my company for six months, and then go back to teaching. Some how six months turned into two years. It's weird to think about where I was two years ago and where I am today. Like I said before, the circumstantials have not changed much, but I definitely know that my soul has gone through a lot of trials, refinement, and change.

I see myself in a different and healthier light, and I'm still in the process of harvesting my true self. I don't know the grand purpose of my life and I'm still trying to figure out what I want be when I grow up, but I think, for now, that's okay. They say, "you reap what you sow", and I do hope that my harvest this season is plentiful. Happy Autumn!

This Is My Life

Right now, I'm not sure if you could consider my life exciting or not. It's not completely devoid of joy and fun, but I can't say that it's absolutely fabulous, either. I work the standard 40 hours, and no more, thank God. I come into work at 9:00 am and leave around 5:30. I'll go home and either watch TV, eat, cook, nap, talk to a friend on the phone or meet up with a friend for dinner or coffee. Sometimes, I'll go body-boarding with a friend, and then get dinner at a Korean restaurant or Vietnamese restaurant. After freezing my bootay in the ocean nothing beats a bowl of warm soup. Every Thursday night I meet up with my therapist, so that I can sort out my internal junk, and that sums up my week days.

On the weekends, I wake up late, because I can and then I eat breakfast at Toast or some other "HOT" restaurant in Los Angeles with friends. Afterwards, I'll hit the mall or some hip LA stores to eye-shop or shop. On occasion, I visit my family in Fullerton or meet up with an old friend that I haven't seen in a while. Depending on how spiritual I feel, I'll hit the church circuit and have lunch with my church friends. After all this, I'll come home and clean my apartment and do my laundry.

This is my life in a nutshell. It's not too crazy nor too boring, but, I think, for now, it's just right. After years of instability and unpredictability, my life now can feel dull and borderline stale. At times, I get restless, and I'll slowly start to devalue what I have. Just like the next person, discontentment and boredom can run rapid in my heart and mind. It's truly a discipline and a skill to take a step back, appreciate, and enjoy all the good that fills my little nutshell. I'm not quite there yet, but I hope to be soon, because this is my life.

I Can't Make You Like Me, If You Don't

Have you ever liked someone that didn't like you back? Okay, I can hear the resounding, "Yes" out there. Well, surprisingly, even as I near the big 3-0, the feelings of someone NOT liking you back stings just as much as it did when I was 13. Not too long ago, I had the tough experience of hearing the punching words..."I'm not interested in you." When those words slowly make it to your ears, it knocks you out cold. It's a blow to the ego and a blow to the heart. The sounds of "why can't you like me? and "what's wrong with me?" starts echoing in my head. As the stars that circle around my head start to fade, I'm puzzled as to why I put myself out there, especially when I know that I'm way in over my head.

So after the one-two punch, I just want to shrug my shoulders and say, "whatevers, man!", but, I know, even my cavalier attitude cannot stop me from feeling disappointed and bummed about myself. There's apart of me that thinks a well choreographed song and dance might change that person's mind. I secretly think maybe he'll see all my awesome skillz and then he'll like me. It might work, right?

Even in my wishful thinking, I know that becoming the next winner of American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance, cannot make someone like me. It's the sobering truth and the bad and bummed feelings do not go away as easily as I would like them to. Despite my disappointment, I do see a silver lining to this little gray cloud. I'm slowly learning that even when a dude doesn't like me, it's not a reflection of who I am or my value as a woman. I'm on a seriously slow learning curve, but, I think, I'm finally getting it.

New York State of Mind

I haven't been to New York in a couple of years. The last time I went was in October of 2002 for a friend's wedding. I had just stopped working as a Middle School teacher in East Los Angeles, and was looking for another job when I found super cheap tickets to New York City. I remember, it was a very tough season in my life. I was unemployed, poor, and really discouraged, but being in New York City gave me a nice pause from that reality.

I love the architecture, museums, parks, shopping, and, of course, the people of New York. It's an urban fantasy island of its own kind with all its strange people and strange accents. For me, New York City takes away the preoccupation and myopia of my life in Los Angeles, and it gives me the mental and emotional clarity that I sometimes need. I'm not sure if it's the changing of the seasons, my artsy fartsy side, hormones, or Billy Joel's song that's causing this surge of wanderlust, but I think I'll be booking a flight, so I can be in that in New York State of mind.

Just Be Yourself

In the voice of Napoleon Dynamite, "Gosssssssh!" These three words are sooooo annoying to me. I can't speak for everyone in the whole wide world, but I can speak for myself and those who struggle with our catch phrase of the day, "just be yourself". Usually, it's not that hard to be myself, but sometimes it can be a huge challenge, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't know if men have it easier, but, for gals like me, this being yourself crap isn't easy.

It's especially hard, because you don't wanna go through the rejection of someone NOT liking when you are being yourself. Dude, just thinking about it hurts, ouch! So in fear of rejection and all that it represents I do this thing where I put on that super power mask of "Whatever Girl". I put on that mask and then I just start thinking and saying that super power word, "whatever!". The mask gives me the feelings that I'm strong, untouchable, concealed, detached, and safe from the perils of men.

I know that these feelings are temporary and fabricated, but they give me that fleeting moment of strength when my ego and sense of self is knocked down cold. I do hope to give up the masked life, but I really don't believe that the equation of ME-THE MASK = GOOD ENOUGH. One day soon, I want to be brave and bold enough to retire my mask and "just be myself " in front of the world and in front of that one guy that will like me without my mask.

Crush

So I haven't had a crush in a while. A couple of months ago I thought someone at my work was kinda cute, but then he talked too much and too loud. Anyways, my new crush is Brandon Boyd of Incubus. I didn't even know he existed until the ubiquitous GAP ads. I'm basing my crush on a 2 minute ad where I only get 10 seconds of Brandon stoically sharing his favorite song Elvis Costello's Alison, which happens to be mine. We already have so much in common!!! We were meant to be. (Take a moment to roll your eyes)

Okay, peoples, help me figure out what it is about that stoic veneer of Brandon that's so attractive? It's weird that I love it when guys appear to look stoic, cool, and chill. Actually, it's kinda HOT! Perhaps it's the mystery of the unknown behind the stoicism that's so alluring? That is a possibility, since I have major issues with intimacy. This makes sense, since the antithesis of intimacy is distance, stoicism, anonymity etc.... Since closeness feels so threatening to me distance and the unknown becomes very seductive. The funny thing is once the unknown becomes known, then the allure fades.

Actually, to be honest, it's not that the unknown becoming known that's scary, but that I will be known scares me more than anything. Hm! So I suppose I should break the news to Brandon that I cannot promise him that whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.