You Don't Know My Name

Alicia Keys has this cheesy yet good song called, "You Don't Know My Name". I feel like singing it to today, because I just realized that this guy that I was crushing on doesn't know me. He may know my name, but if I were to do a spin off of Alicia's song I would call it, "You Don't Know Me". This fresh realization begs the question, "How could have I crushed on someone that doesn't even know me?" How can I give my affections out so easily to someone that said point blank to my face, "I'm not interested in you.". How could I continue to hope and wait when he doesn't even know me and I don't know him?

These are all tough questions. I'll have to do some soul searching to find some answers. Perhaps, it's easy for me to forgot my own name, and not ask what his name is? Anonymity, mystery, and enigma have the lure for all types of trouble. I guess, I just got sucked into the world of fantasy and safety. I feel disappointed in myself for allowing myself to go there..... you know there-where you suspend your mind, ration, intelligence, opinions, so that one person can like you. Yes, folks, I'm not immune to the woes of compromising myself. I don't do it too often, I hope, but it does happen.

I'm on a slow learning curve, but, at least, I'm learning. I hope that I don't go back to that fantasy trap, because the consequence is losing apart of myself that I've worked so painstakingly hard to develop and grow. I hope, I come to a place where I won't forget my name and all that it stands for.

Crazy Has a Name

So I'm a bit revved up today, no doubt. I went out with some friends plus that one guy that I like. Everything was going okay, until I started to go into looney land with my looney thoughts. It's those thoughts that say, "he doesn't like me, he's ignoring and avoiding me, I'm not cute or pretty enough for him, etc.." I start thinking this way and then I start to do my usual shut down. It goes like this...First, I feel sad, rejected, bummed. Second, I become hypersensitive. Third, I shut down emotionally and become quiet and lastly I withdraw physically and emotionally concluding my shut down experience. It' really fast and subtle when it happens. This can happen in about a minute. Not bad, huh? For those who are not accustomed to my ways may think I'm just tired, but au contraire mon frère.

So after my shut down experience I came home and felt like a 13 year old girl. I cried for about a minute with real tears coming out my eyes saying....."Why don't you like me" Then I pouted for a bit and went to bed. Gosh, if there's a sequel to the movie 13 going on 30, can I play Jennifer Garner's character. I would do such a great job. I was hoping that the bad feelings would go away, but they haven't. Actually these feelings overnight mutated into the infamous "Hater virus". Fortunately, it's not contagious, but I do recommend that you do keep your distance, since the symptoms can be unpleasant. Instead of the sniffles and cough I have the whatevers and major attitude.

I just wanna be mean to someone preferable a guy, so that I can feel better about myself, but I suppose even that would be not be a good or nice choice. Damn! Thoughts like hitting the local bar or calling that guy that's interested in me sounds so tempting and the best hit for this pain, but I stop at just sharing these thoughts, because I don't want another to feel as I do. :(

Sigh! Today I just wanna end with this concluding statement. "Guys Suck!" Hope you are having a good day!